Just Keep Swimming...Swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim swim.

 So, yes, swimming appears to be my new outlet for anger. I suppose that it is better than other methods; drinking, smoking intensely or driving hell for leather and screaming along to songs (saying that, I do the latter regardless of the mood). 


 It's odd. I've mentioned this before, but I can imagine that it is the same for everyone growing up about how changes make us feel unsettled and unfamiliar. But, on the other hand (paw, fin...tail?), there are understandable changes, such as growing up and making a personality more solid, and then there are fuck-out-of-this-world changes that make you reel. I can't actually remember the last time that I felt like this. But, what is like this? Insecure? Angry? Scared? Or is it rejection of what is here? Is it self-rejection? I doubt it. I'm really hoping that it isn't anyway. I hope that things just progress out of this one mannerism and into another. Reserved to...well, frankly just selling yourself short? That's a change in someone that I wasn't expecting. Nor was I expecting to be branded as 'not really bothering'...


 Well, fuck me. I apologise horrendously for having a job. 




This is love for the beats
Steal it in the streets
Love for the melody, no song is cheap
The dope crusader, funky terminator
I created me a rocker just so we could rock it later
And the wait up beat is knocking
Got me feeling, alright, cause the dj got me walking on a steeler
I got a rocket full of gold, mami's just gold
I fill it up and love it, and then I watch it explode

If you love it like I love it
And you feel what I feel inside
If you want it like I want it
Then baby let's get it tonight
If you feel it, say hell yeah (hell yeah)
Say hell yeah (hell yeah)
Say hell yeah (hell yeah)
This is love, this is love, this is love






x x x

If You Wanna Go and Take A Ride With Me....

 So, overall a good night last night - aside from loosing the phone obviously - oops. Hopefully getting a new one sorted for tomorrow and stuff. But ah well, I'm losing it in a few weeks anyway when I go to Aus, so I can't really complain now, can I?


 I admit things that I really shouldn't. If its the past that is creeping up on me, or the present hauntings, I need to shut up. Sorry.


No lyrics today, just a video:

x x x

Gonna Get Louder

 So, what has occurred? First off, I am now the proud owner of a MacBook - love this little machine! For the first time in over 3 years, I can actually listen to my music and what not without either waiting for 50 minutes for iTunes to come to life, or to plug in an external hard-drive :) Yay! Okay, so it is £40 per month, and yes, it is probably money that I don't have, but oh well...


 Grand soeur is home. Joy. 


 Sara comes home tomorrow from Germany for a week. That is good...Though no idea about how tomorrow night is going to work...Me thinks that I will be doing some driving tomorrow...*sigh* I'm not the average student. And even better, I don't really have any clothes to wear for it either. Then I am skint. Don't get paid til 2 weeks Friday...Which is today.


 Good news - Derek Landy is going to be in Perth when I am there :D YAYYY! Really hoping that I get to see him. 


There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship [shit] bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one on you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love remind me of us
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it, to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it, with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door (woah)
Count your blessings to find what you look for (woah)
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (woah)
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow (woah)
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.


X X X

Some Daughter That I Used To Know

 Well, it's all very well saying 'We don't see you, we don't see you, you're always out, you're hardly ever here' but at the end of the day, I didn't get to see my friends back home much while I was at Uni aaand I come home everyday from work, a sitting down job, and I do not want to sit down, again, and watch TV, again, with you. DO SOMETHING ELSE! I know I'm off to Aussie but for crying out loud, actually come out and do something with me. 
 Okay, I will give you that I said I would help out tomorrow - but which would I rather do, ice skating...or emptying out the van...ice skating...or  emptying out the van. Oh yes, very much a tough one. I still offered to help. But no. I am the shit daughter. Bah. Australia soon. 


I thought I knew what I could take
Till the day I met you
You gave me something I never knew I needed
I owe my thanks to you

Now I'm here to preach your gospel
So simple it’s insane
And you told me that real pleasure
Don't mean nothing without pain 

I thought I knew what I could take
Till the day I met you
You gave me something I never knew I needed
I owe my thanks to you

Now I'm here to preach your gospel
So simple it’s insane
And you told me that real pleasure
Don't mean nothing without pain 

xxx x x

Cycles

 No, I am not referring to the bicycle kind (of which I fail at, especially going down big hills that lead onto very busy main roads and coming to the horrific realization that my bike, in fact, does not have operational breaks) nor am I referring to the cycle of water throughout the atmosphere...Though, I could draw you a fuck off diagram... No, I refer to the cycle of events that everyone has in their lives. This may be the dieting cycle, loosing weight, being happy, eating, putting on weight, being sad, loosing weight, being happy...Or the dating cycle... getting with a person, liking that person, hooking up with said person, said person cheats, sad, getting with a person to get over other said person, liking new person... Nah, I'm referring to the situation cycle...Which I now have a horrendous habit, or notion, of being the Queen of. I'm actually fed up. Bring on Australia. Actually, bring on the afterlife, where I will become a tree and I will be a fuck off tree that just chills and enjoys just being a tree. Bring on reincarnation, damn it! 


 I return to Sheffield next week - leaving the otters to mingle, the ducks to quack and the ferrets to frolic. 


 I want to be skinny again. I don't care if I was miserable. At least I was thin. Eugh. 


 Stick to what you have - stop toying with the past that you know is always there. I managed it. Why can't you? 



I took a walk around the world to 
Ease my troubled mind 
I left my body lying somewhere 
In the sands of time 
I watched the world float to the dark 
Side of the moon 
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah 

I watched the world float to the 
Dark side of the moon 
After all I knew it had to be something 
To do with you 
I really don't mind what happens now and then 
As long as you'll be my friend at the end 


If I go crazy then will you still 
Call me Superman 
If I'm alive and well, will you be 
There holding my hand 
I'll keep you by my side with 
My superhuman might 
Kryptonite 

You called me strong, you called me weak 
But still your secrets I will keep 
You took for granted all the times I 
Never let you down 
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if 
Not for me then you'd be dead 
I picked you up and put you back 
On solid ground 


x x x

I Don't Want The World To See Me

 I think it is practically impossible to be a perfect friend. Annoyed, yes, that it took me this long to work out, and yes, probably should come under the common sense category, but hey, here we are. So, in what sort of grouping/headings form the ideal 'perfect friend'?


1. GOOD LISTENER
 Always knowing that you can turn to someone when life is raping you up the arse with lemons is always a fair shout, or just someone who understands you and your sort of mental capacity is pretty handy. I mean, there are some of us who if we started talking to some people about the way that we think and tick, people would be calling up the men in white coats and fearing for their lives, so there will always pretty much be someone who can sort of relate to you as much as they really want to. But, just because they are a good listener doesn't mean that they are a shit talker (don't know if that really makes any sense, but seeing as the likelihood of this page going global is about as likely as me being a size 0, I'm not all that fussed). In fact, personal experience would say that those who are good to confide in are flawed in their shit capacity to actually retain information, and just blurt it out to whoever or whatever. We're all guilty of it, obviously. I mean, someone may have mentioned something, you mention it to someone else and then it goes ballistic. It won't be anything major, like 'I've secretly got a penis', it'll be something really trivial and then it turns into some mass murder scene. 


(Sorry, slight break, just trying to find this paying-in book, not going all too well...reeeally would quite like to bank this money and get these flights booked...asap)


2. ALWAYS THERE
 Well, in some ways this can tie in with numero uno, but I see it in different ways. So, again, we're in the predicament of life being a complete twat, and you know that you can call someone up and they will come to you or (more often in my case) you go to them for comfort. Well, no. That is ridiculous. Unless this friend is not in work, not at uni and is just in bed all day, they are not going to be there 24/7. It's not even just being in that state. They cannot tell when someone or something is amiss, so they cannot get to, say a beverage selling establishment or to a family party, and say to themselves 'Well, I may be needed tonight/today/this morning' and not consume alcohol. Believe it or not, sometimes, the universe does not orbit around you. YET - there is light at the end of the tunnel, ladies and gents, because some friends are well aware of these completely outrageous circumstances and will make the best efforts in order to help one another. So, perhaps this is a more ideal concept. I don't know what I would rather have, a good listener or someone who is always there? Hum. Onward. 


3. PROTECTIVE
 Really kind of a touchy subject/concept/ideal of a friend. I say this because it only really mostly applies to verbal or 'talking the talk' sort of protection, and there will be no walking at all. Whatso-fucking-ever. 'He hurts you, I'll deck him' Yes, I say that. And I have actually done it before, so I'm not about to sink through the quicksand all that dramatically. But, I think more of a pivotal moment is when shit is actually going on, and you really wish someone would fly in and be like 'STOP - FIEND!' but that has no bloody chance of happening, again. My age has obviously enlightened one-self (I'm only nearly 20, if any of you think I'm some bloody old fart in a camper van...), and with such wisdom comes the knowledge that the only really protective friends you are going to have are going to be guys that somehow care for you (either as a really close friend or bordering on that 'I maybe like you, but really, I don't') or the gay friends. I only really learnt about the latter in the last 8 or so months during my time at university. So, a 'perfect' friend possibly should bear these traits: i. Punching those who insult/hurt/maim/violate you. ii. Verbal/physical abuse to those that perhaps you dislike. iii. Killing those who offend you, and treat you like the Godfather  I mean...yeah, general standing up for you.


4. MAKING EFFORT
 Some of you (why am I even saying this, no one reads this thing?) are probably thinking 'if they don't make the effort, then surely they're not a friend...?' Damn fucking straight. Oh, excuse me, phone's ringing...why am I excusing myself...But yeah, hang tight for two ticks. Oh no, I have to hang tight for two ticks. So, anyway, typing quickly now as I know this phone is going to start going off soon, making an effort is a fundamental part of being a friend. Sooo, say for example, a friend gets a partner, oooorrr one goes to university, you would expect a friend to make an effort? Fuck hell no. They'll only bother when you need it. Those who do make the effort (as some of you...no, there are none of you...but still going to keep saying it...so, as some of you are probably thinking 'have friends that do make effort during such examples') - HOLD FUCKING TIGHT TO THEM AND DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LET GO OF THEM. Because they'll end up being the old person sat next to you in the nursing home, chilling and talking to you about the good old days of MSN. Ah, MSN...No, that's for another time. PHONE! Right, that's 15 minutes, hang up. Ok. So, any more to say on this? No...No...(CONSUELA!)


5. CONSIDERATION
 In the urban dictionary, 'consideration' is defined as being making love. Well, I don't mean that. I think it's more in terms of understanding the relationship of what comes out of one's mouth and how it will effect those surrounding one's self. I don't really think this is entirely a 'perfect' friend factor, actually, it's more along the lines of just being civilized to be brutally honest. If you don't like something, fuck what most people say, shut up and don't say anything. I think consideration, in terms of a friendship, is more in the sense a particular grasping and understanding of what matters most to those you would like to call 'friends'. It's not exactly a black and white idea, I know, wasn't saying it would ever be clear. But it's fair enough, if someone respects something, respect that they respect that, and if don't respect something, respect the fact that they don't respect that. 


I think that I will have to construct more lists and aspects of things, I have quite enjoyed doing this. It's good for my ranting anyway I guess. Now, as always, I leave you with some lyrics. 

You got me so wild,

How can I ever deny,

You got me so high,

So high I cannot feel the fire.

And you keep telling me,

Telling me that you’ll be sweet,

And you’ll never want to leave my side,

As long as I don’t break these...

Promises, and they still feel all so wasted on myself 

You got me so wild,

Why should I be so surprised?

You got me so high,

Don’t you see it in my eyes?

And you keep telling me,

Telling me that you’ll be sweet,

And you’ll never want to leave my side,

As long as I don’t break these...

x x x