My mood is all over the place :/
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
x x x
I often have to continuously remind myself of where I am now, where I was and where I am going to be. Maybe it's something to do with me starting to loose my mind due to looking at this revision continuously, but maybe it's also because I'm getting slowly more and more distanced from, what I consider to be, my foundations. University is not, as I have mentioned a million times before (most of those million times are probably in my head, admittedly), not what was sold at 6th form. If you're reading this, and are at the stage of deciding whether or not university is something you want to do - do not, for god's sake, go to your school or head of 6th about it. They literally know fuck all, they are there to just continually sell on the concept of education - which all in all is good, and I agree with this - there are far too many unemployed people in this world today that failed to seize the chance of better opportunities when it was offered to them, or bit the hand that tried to help. Those who bite get ASBOs, and are unfortunately the type of people that the education system has to let down, because education isn't about being spoon fed - it's about making something of yourself.
In previous centuries, education in the Western world was for those standing in prestige and honored houses, wanting to continue their family's legacy or even start their own story. Education was a privilege, and not a right. Nowadays, you get waste of space kids who are just there to disrupt it for the others, there to make things so much more difficult then what it should be. Harsh, you may think, calling these kid's a 'waste of space'. You don't know what they have been through, you say, you don't know about their background, family life etc. Tell you what then. Take example of some of my friends at secondary. Some of them didn't have perfect home-lives, and these days, I think you would be hard-struck to find homes that are perfect. But, these friends of mine succeeded, not because the state patted money into their pockets or because they felt like they had to - they chose to. They decided that education was something that could bring them a new aspect. And good for them.
So, back to my rant about what 6th form lets on about university. They don't tell you that you may not get along with your flat mates, they don't tell you about the petty bitching that you will end up with, regardless of where you live. They won't let on that there are SO many hidden costs to university. They tell you the basics (books, going out, food etc). But, what about when your flat destroys the flat? What about when your keys are stolen and you have to be the one to fork out £30. What about the times when you get lost, you are suddenly alone, because you don't feel safe with the people that you've come out with. It puts you into an even worse situation.
I don't remember my head of 6th battering on about the loneliness either. University can be an incredibly lonely place, regardless of what you think. This isn't me crying out for help - I have enough friends here to do with, but none of them will ever be the people back at home. None of them will ever get you, because simply, you've just met them. They haven't grown up with you, they won't understand your certain way about things. Then there's the pack rule - living in a flat, as I do, with 6 or so other people, there becomes a pack hierarchy. So if someone at the bottom does something out of line, it's all hell as broken loose. If it is someone at the top, it slips by. This is life. But it's life being brought into your space, where perhaps you weren't ready for it just yet.
I guess nor do they tell you of how things will become at home either. They don't tell you that the choices you make at university will hurt other people, change how they act around you, and then you're stuck. You don't want to be the one who has to constantly check up on the others, but you also want to get some respect and recognition from the others.
What can I say that my first university year has taught me?
- Don't go for the best accomodation - all the fun happens in the cheaper ones and the people are SO MUCH nicer and social
- Learn to like your own company - only you can sort your life out, stop relying on the parents or others to help you. It isn't for them to sort out anymore.
- Having an open mind is great - but for godsake, don't change yourself for them. They are not worth it. On the occasion that you do meet people that you know you will probably remain friends what you hope is the rest of your days, show them the real you. Because they will only be shocked when you show it half-way down the line.
You know I'm not one to break promises
I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe
At the end of it all, you're still my best friend
But there's something inside that I need to release
Which way is right, which way is wrong
How do I say that I need to move on
You know we're headed separate ways
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way
You've given me more that I can return
Yet there's oh so much that you deserve
There's nothing to say, nothing to do,
I've nothing to give
I must leave without you
You know we're headed separate ways
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way
So I'll be on my way
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
There's nothing that I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more
Got to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love you
So I'll be on my way
So I'll be on my way
So I'll be on my way
Ciao x x x
It's weird, really, how university is obviously a harder working environment and everything, and that the work load is a lot more difficult to tackle, and yet, here I am, stuck in the flat, which has been over run with a bunch of drunks, and people that I don't really know, making as much noise as humanly possible, while I'm working on this report which is due in this coming Wednesday. Epically annoyed. So annoyed, actually.
Fair enough, it's a Saturday night, and fair enough, this is typically stupid time, but at the end of the day, I could really care less. I don't care if they want to have fun, or if they all pay to be in this apartment, at the end of the day, exam period is fast approaching, and I am desperate to get a few more marks so that I can basically confirm going to Aussie. Why should I have to be subject to a bunch of twats ruining this for me? There are pubs, there are clubs, there are basically OTHER places that they could be, rather than hanging outside my room. Admittedly, yeah, I could move to the IC, but I did that last night, why should I have to go out all the time?
Eugh. So, yes, am just steadily working toward the end of all of this (20 days, cannot get over that's me done as a fresher entirely!) but yeah, I'm not bothered about spending these last few days going out, getting fucked and whatever - maybe I'm not your typical student, I dunno, but hey, my life, I'm not here to live up to the typical notions or expectations. I'll let the lot outside do that part, let's be honest, they're doing it pretty well for the entire student population in Sheffield at the moment.
Why can they not just piss the fuck off?
I don't actively pretend that I'm good at keeping stuff up to date. I mean, what exactly is the point, there's no one reading this...apart from perhaps some gremlins or some magical fo-shizz like that. Can't say that I took in the date of the last post, but really I'm just on here to snoop now anyways.
So, as you may have gathered, 'tis a Monday morning, I have to leave for lectures in around 30mins and I'm just on here killing time. Only have a few more weeks here at Sheffield as a fresher, which is just plain fucking scary. What the hell. Anyway, the plan still is to go to the University of Western Australia in Perth for my second year (Yayayayyayayyyy) but I need to get these marks sorted. I think I can convince myself out of clubbing.
Easter holidays were to say good, but also a confusing matter. The sudden spillage of secrets and old fires being kindled, doth make the heart ache. That was stupid, but yeah. All because I'm going to Australia. One does have to wonder that if they actually TRULY cared, they wouldn't be making such a fucking ordeal of this. Eugh.
I guess that I only felt compelled to write in this today due to some news that I have received this evening...as well as seeing that my other friend was also keeping a blog as well. I'm no sheep...or am I? Then again, once you see something, you're perhaps sometimes inclined to follow it. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about much these days.
So, my friend is moving in with her boyfriend. I know. You're (if anyone is reading this, which I highly doubt) probably thinking that it's no big ordeal or occasion. But, I beg to differ. I've seen my friend grow up, shared laughs, tears and whatever else you share with them through the past few years. And now, it's like, this is it, I'm grown up. It scares me, to be honest. It makes you wonder why, as kids, we were all dying to grow up, all dying to get to this point where we are truly independent and whatever. I like independence, don't get me wrong. And it's not just university that has let me have this, it's been around for much longer than that. With a change in friends, I became massively independent, and started to see life outside of the nest? Is that even a metaphor? I'm not entirely definite on that, but that is now my metaphor. Out of the nest. I'm sure it will catch on into popular media and speech at some point. Anyway, back to the point, what has happened to the time? I'm going to be 20 in 7 months by the end of the week. That is insane. I'm not getting my head around it. I feel like I'm out of control. Time used to pass so slow when I was younger, I mean, five minutes seemed like forty, but now it feels like 2 seconds. Is this normal?
Why is it bothering me so much? Effectively, I have moved out of home now anyway. I'm there for like a few months of the year and then I am back at university. But, I'm still tied there. I wonder if I'll be like this in Australia? Because that is effectively going to be my home for 11 months, if I don't come back for the Christmas holidays. I mean, what do I do?
Have to say, I do enjoy the fact that no one currently, or apparently, seems to be reading this blog. Which is all fine and dandy. I'm sorry if you have just started reading this, and are giving the screen something of a comedic look, but as it stands, this is a fact.
Evidently, as stated by the title of this post, I'm currently in the Information Commons (I go to Uni of Sheffield, if I haven't mentioned before, I'm not one to re-read things, so if I have said about it, then I am saying about it again), this building being a giant fuck off library. I'm meant to be doing notes on a presentation I have to give in front of my entire Level 1 Geography class (around 200-300 people, no biggie) but as I keep seemingly choosing articles that are over 20 pages long, my faith in reading and researching begins to dwindle further, thus here I am. Currently now watching all of the people coming up the stairs...People watching... Honestly, you would think as a student that I should be huddled up in a corner somewhere recuperating from a late night of booze, more booze and just plain idiocy. Nah. Though, last night I did have to look after several members of my flat. Being sick into a mop bucket. Shoving of fingers down throat to make one sick. Can honestly say that I haven't been that drunk to do that. Think I'm lucky in the sense that when I am drunk, I just either fall asleep or make somewhat of a prat of myself before then falling asleep. Seeing someone that drunk has made me really begin to question drinking in itself. Saying that, I am meant to be going out tonight for drinks with other people going to the same overseas university as me next year. Won't be a long night, I can imagine.
Ok, try not to be too alarmed, I am actually updating within the same week, nevertheless the same month or even year. Perhaps this will work, who knows.
Well, during my loving reading of the news (been trying to keep up with what is going on, seeing as even though I still have access to newspapers and what have you, I don't read them all that much, plus, the only newspaper I do read is the Forge newspaper...which is a university newspaper...as much as I'd like to think that the story on students suffering from poor alcohol deals is national news, I don't think that it is entirely there yet) I found out that David Rathband, an officer in the Raoul Moat shootout, was found dead this week (the whole news story goes on for too long, basically, Moat was a tad fruity-loopy, his girlfriend left him - wonder why - and so he thought 'Why not go out and shoot some peoples' and ended up shooting his ex and her new partner and also Rathband, who was a police officer who was sat in the car and Moat sneaked up on him and shot him...probably not a viable story retelling, but you have the internet, bloody use it.) in his home. Can't actually imagine how the time since the whole incident has treated Rathband with nothing but misery. He lost his sight completely, lost his family, marriage and his whole life pretty much fell down around him. I can't begin to understand the mental pain that he must have been going through. However, what sickens me more, is pages like this:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/RIP-Raoul-Moat-3/101270373261190?ref=mf
Yes, an R.I.P Raoul Moat page...truly and completely disgusting. What makes it, if possible, even worse, is that people are actually on this page defending Moat. Saying that they knew him, the system failed him, life fell down on him etc etc. They obviously didn't know him. Otherwise, surely one of them would have stopped what he was about to do. What the hell has happened to society? Yes, obviously the ones who do defend him are from a different side of society (not saying that in a harsh or offence way at all, all I mean is that I personally come from a different segment of society...I'm just digging myself a hole, let's just leave it with no offense is intended), but how can they still not hold the same values? How can they honestly defend a man who caused so much pain and so much suffering. Lashing out at the system, blah blah blah, get a grip. How can have things changed so much...I know that back when my parents were the same age as me, such a crime would see every essence of the criminal flagged in red or completely removed from communal thought. So, why can't we do this now. Raoul Moat is, most definitely, certainly and wholly, undeserving of any form of sympathy, kindness or recognition. Frankly, he should just be entirely removed from all thought. Forgotten, but if at all remembered, thought of in a red mist.
Now go forth.
